Grieving for your child is such a lonely place.  I miss my friends and family.  I guess it is my fault for just closing myself off from people.  I just did not know how to keep in touch with people.  My days were filled with missing her and "whys" and "what ifs." Those thoughts consumed me.  Those terrible nights were filled with even more of those thoughts.  The days are better sometimes, but the terrible nights are still there.  Some nights there are just tears running down my face and others are filled with almost uncontrollable sobbing.  There are still others where all the "what ifs" make me crazy.  I wonder if I did all the things I should have done.  I wonder if I chose the right treatment for her.  Did I do everything a mom should do for her sick child?  Could a different treatment have had a different outcome for my beautiful princess?  Then there are the nights where the "whys" take over.  I wonder why my child?  Why any child for that matter?  Why should any child have to endure cancer?  I often spent my nights reading on the internet about children struggling with cancer.  Why Rachel?  Why Emily?  Why did it have to be like this for our children?  That does not make since to me?  My daughter had struggled her whole life.  She had a traumatic birth that left her with cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder.  Wasn't that enough for her?  Then there are the nights where I wonder why she had to go so quickly after relapse.  It was six weeks after relapse and less than two weeks after chemo restarted that she was gone.  I just wanted a little more time with her.  Some time to process what was happening.  Some time for a Make-A-Wish trip.  But, just like that she was gone. 

 

Would there ever really been enough time with my precious angel?  OF COURSE NOT!!!!!  It does not stop me from wishing I had it though.  But then I remember all the pain and suffering there was that second time around.  It was 10 times worse than it was the first time around, and it was bad the first time around.  It was so selfish on me to think like that!  That still does not stop me from wanting it though.  I wanted her healed.  It was not to be.  So here I am two years later still struggling with this on a daily basis wondering if it ever gets easier to lose a precious child.  My guess is that it does not get easier only more tolerable. 

 

I promise I am not always this negative.  This is a hard time for me I think.  The diagnosis anniversary was in May.  The end of treatment anniversary was also in May.  Her 10th birthday was Saturday.  The relapse anniversary is September 1st.  The two year angel anniversary is lurking (October 15th).  I also had to go to the dreaded Texas Children’s Hospital for my other daughter’s two year scans.  No, rhabdo is not genetic.  For those of you who do not know, my husband and I met at the hospital almost 2½ years ago while our daughter’s were both getting treatment for rhabdo.  No, we were not looking for a mate AT ALL!!!!!  I guess GOD put us both there for a reason.  Something good came of the tragedy and hardship!  Taylor had the least favorable in the least favorable spot while Lexie had the most favorable (Embryonal) in one of the most favorable spots (orbit).   More of this story to follow on the website “About us” section.  So anyway, I wanted be there with her, and that place really brings up a lot of memories good and bad.  So, I think it is all too much right now.  On a positive note, Lexie had CLEAR SCANS again.  Yea it has been two years of remission!!!  We are throwing her a party next weekend!  Go Lexie!      I guess I have rambled on enough!  More positive entries to follow!  CANCER SUCKS, you know?

Denise