Not really in the mood to post today.  Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  I felt just as bad yesterday about her being gone as I do every other day.  I did not go to the cemetary.  I have an aversion to that place for some reason.  It is definitely not a place that I feel close to her.  There is not much I can say.  Unless someone has been thorugh this, there is really no way to explain the emptiness and lonliness I feel without her.  My sweet Lexie tries so hard to make me feel better.  She did not know that yesterday was the anniversary, but she is so intuitive (just like Taylor was).  SHe followed me around yesterday hugging and kissing me and telling me how much she loved me.  She just would not leave me alone.  It was kind of making me crazy because I was so tense.  It was just so sweet that I just let it go!  

Well I am going now.  I wanted to post a sweet memory one of my very dear friends shared about on her site.  Thanks Elizabeth for remembering her.  Sometimes I worry she is being forgotten.  Here it is:

I just try to remember her spirit and her love and her compassion for kids who were sick and I just know that she would want me to smile right now and remember watching Scooby Doo the Movie at Texas Children's and think about Ariel the Little Mermaid and her love of all things magical. My best memory was a time in the hospital and I had her to myself for a minute and I said, Taylor you know that Jesus can understand what you think, not what you say. (she had so much trouble with people understanding her spoken language) You just think it and Jesus knows everything you are thinking.

She smiled her sweet special Taylor smile that showed that she understood it all, and she just leaned back in the bed and had a huge conversation with Jesus in her amazing mind. For once her every idea and emotion was completely understood.

 

I know I promised a more positive post next time, but this will not be the one.  Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of Taylor's death.  Don't get me wrong, I am sad for her everyday.  This specific date does not necessarily make me any sadder or make it any more difficult.  It is already that every day.  Unfortunately, with the date approaching comes memories of the days leading up to "the day."  I am flooded by all those horrible memories.  I am reminded of the Wednesday Dr. Wang told me that she did not think she would recover from this.  On Tuesday, I thought we were getting ready for a fight and on Saturday, she was dead.  Those thoughts have haunted me around this 2nd anniversary.  I try not to think about those days, but they have just been creeping into my mind this past week.   My heart broke that Wednesday, and it really has been broken ever since that day.   I miss my beautiful daughter.  I miss her crazy personality.  She was really so funny.  A lot of people missed that about her because of her speech delay and because she was so quiet.  That girl had the best sense of humor, and she made me laugh everyday.  I miss that.  I miss holding her every night while she fell asleep.  Well sometimes she went to sleep.  Most nights she would play with my face--poking, stretching and pulling on it while talking to me.  Some nights I would be so tired, and it would annoy me so much.  How I long for those wonderful nights.  She had the longest, skinniest fingers.  They were so precious.  I would even be willing to watch endless hours of Full House with her!  That was her absolute favorite show!  She was such a girly girl.  I miss dressing her up in all her matchy matchy outfits that she adored.  I miss watching her play with Polly Pockets.  Those peices were tiny and very difficult for a child with cerebral palsy to deal with.  She was so determined and never wanted help.  She would dress the whole doll and even put both on of the oh so tiny shoes.  She found so much joys in everything.  I miss that.  I feel like so much of my joy is gone with her.  So please pray for our strength tomorrow as the 2nd anniversary come and go.

Denise

PS  I want to close with a poem I found on another site.  This one really touched me.
     
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
Author~Elizabeth Dent