Well it is the start of another year without my precious angel.  You know, I really hate holidays.  I have sat down to write in this journal so many times in the last few weeks, but it is difficult to know exactly what to say. I am a very private person, so it really is amazing that I have chosen to express myself on the World Wide Web.  All I know is that it does seem easier to express myself on here rather than doing it in person.  Weird, huh?!?!?! 

 

You know first there was the anniversary back in October.  Then, there was Thanksgiving in Ardmore which I had not done since her death.  That was really hard as I automatically felt like she was missing.  She was always there with me on all those Thanksgivings with my family.  I hated being there without her.  It felt so lonely.  She was not there.  We did not even really talk about her.  My mother and I did a bit, but I think most everyone else avoids talking about her because they do not want to hurt me or make me sad.  However, I would rather talk about her and keep her alive.  When she is not mentioned, I just feel like she has been forgotten.  That is the worst feeling.  My aunt was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, and she was really sick while I was there in Ardmore this time.  She was in the hospital the whole time.  I have this special connection with her.  It is like her, Taylor, and I were kindred spirits.  So I felt even more sadness.  It did not feel right with her and Taylor not there.  There was this huge hole in my heart without them.  I guess holidays will never be the same again.  Have I mentioned that CANCER SUCKS!!!! 

 

Then after Thanksgiving my 7 year old son had to have surgery.  Granted it was something very minor (hernia surgery).  I still thought it was going to push me over the edge.  I do not like lumps in places where they are not supposed to be.  No matter how many times I was told it was nothing, I could not get myself to believe that.  I cannot tell you how many times I was told it was nothing when Taylor started getting sick.  Yeah it was nothing!?!?!? She was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer a short time later.  So my faith in the medical community is shaky at best.  I guess losing a child to cancer will always make you over reactive, over protective and just plain crazy.  So anyway, he had his day surgery on November 30^th, and everything went well.  No one came out telling me he had cancer so I was able to relax a little before Christmas time came to torture me. 

 

Then Blake had his 7^th birthday.  What would be difficult about that????  Well, it was!  Every year he gets older, and next year he will be the same age as Taylor was when she died.  That is weird to me.  He is her younger brother, but he is getting ready to pass her up in age.  I do not know why that is so hard, but it is.  She should be ten years old right now.  He should always be younger than her.  She died.  I never got to see her grow up.  She will forever be eight in my mind.  It is so hard to wrap my mind around that.    

 

Christmas time is definitely not my favorite time AT ALL anymore.  I do realize that “Jesus is the reason for the season.”  I am not overlooking or downplaying that fact at all.       I used to love to get the stockings, decorations and the tree out.  I used to drag it all out after Thanksgiving dinner or as soon as I got home from Ardmore.  Since Taylor’s death, I have not felt motivated to do any of this at all.  I did not even put a tree up until Christmas Eve, and that was only because the kids kept asking when we were putting our tree up.  I also got the stockings out on Christmas Eve.  I hate getting the stockings out.  There is always this dilemma about what to do with Tay’s stocking.  Do I put it out?  Well if I put it out, it is so hard to see it as the only empty one up there.  So then do I leave it put away.  It is even harder to leave it in the box.  I feel like I am just putting her to the side.  There is no easy way to deal with the stocking.  Am I serious????  It is just a stocking, but believe me, it has a profound effect.  Then, there is the Christmas shopping.  I HATE THAT.  I hate the polly pocket aisle!  I hate the entire Gymboree store with all its mix and match stuff that she would have loved.  I hate doing Christmas cards because she is not in the pictures.  I always want to put her name on the card, but then I realize people will think I have lost my mind.  So then I ponder for a moment realizing I could just put all of our names with hers listed as “Angel Taylor.”  That just makes me sadder because, wow, angel means she is dead.  So I just end up taking her name completely off which means that she is not even acknowledged.  So then I just feel depressed and overwhelmed performing a simple task for the holidays.  How pathetic!?!?! 

 

Then there is Christmas morning.  I loved to see her face when she came in the living room on Christmas morning.  She was always so excited about everything she got from “Santa.”  Actually, I think she knew the presents were not from Santa.  She was too smart for that.  Plus, she did not like the idea of some fat stranger with a beard coming in her house while she was sleeping.  Anytime, someone would ask her if Santa was coming to see her, she would get this perplexed, frightened look on her face and say “No Way!”  It was too funny!  I loved Christmas morning with her.  The kids would always have matching pajamas on, and they would have pancakes that I made for them after they opened their presents.  There would be Christmas dinner with the grandparents, and of course, football, football, football.  Now everything is different.  I do not even entertain the idea of matching pajamas.  Nothing is the same without her sweet face there. 

 

Now as New Years approaches, I dread it.  She used to be present at all the New Year’s parties.  It was so cute because she would be dressed in her cute matchy matchy outfit and stay up until after midnight entertaining everyone that was there.  I have pictures of her with her cute New Year’s hat on drinking sparkling cider with the cutest dimpled smile.  That is how I want to be spending my new year.  Instead I am facing another New Year without her.  The New Year reminds me that I am starting another year without her.  It reminds me that another anniversary is approaching.  It reminds me that I will be having another Easter without her…another trip to Florida without her…another birthday without her…another Halloween without her…another Thanksgiving without her…another ski trip without her…another Christmas without her.  Then it is a New Year again.  What a way to think, huh?!?!?  Some days I try to be more positive and think how great it is that she has been healed, but believe me, that does not last long.  I still long for her hugs and kisses…her dimpled smile…her funny personality…her smell…everything about her.  I wish I could be more positive, but that is how it feels most of the time.

 

So enough about the holidays.  Thank goodness they are almost over for now! 

 

I wanted to add something else.  I do not want to breach anyone’s confidentiality or anything, but I did want to say that Tay’s dad’s family has experienced a tragic loss.  My heart goes out to them.  I pray for their comfort and peace during this difficult time.  There has just been too much loss.

 

On a more positive note, Lexie had clear scans again.  WOO HOO!!!!!  It is now 2 years 4 months off treatment. 

 

Denise

 

P.S. I miss Holland.  For those of you that do not know what that means, check out the “Welcome to Holland” piece on my “Stuff” page.