Well its been over a month since I posted, AGAIN.  Wow how time just slips by.  I continue to search for meaning in the death of my daughter.  I really want to find a way to honor her in her death and help other children and their families dealing with the awful beast, CANCER.  It is just so hard to find my way.  I miss her and my heart aches for her.  It is so hard because I am so bitter and angry.  I want to know why she had to suffer, why she had to die.  Sometimes I feel so paralyzed by grief.  Its kind of like cancer.  If it gets in your body it just grows inside of you and takes over.  I fear I have let it take over my life.  I am haunted by memories of her sickness.  I often have dreams about her being sick or that I cannot find her and wake up to darkness so sad to be without her.  I pray every night that I might have good dreams about her because the dreams always feel so real.  So maybe the good dreams will be like seeing her again.  But it never happens.  Don't get me wrong, I am not always so negative.   I think about all the good times with her.  I love those memories so much.  She was such a beautiful child.  She was one of those children that made you want to have three more like her.  She was so easy going.  She was super compliant.  She was very kind to others.  She was a girly girl--all about pink, frills and princesses.  That girl was truly meant to be my child.  We fit together like peas and carrots (yes I have seen Forest Gump too many times)!  She didn't even get on my nerves like my other kids could.  She had the best sense of humor.  It was so cute.  Her whole family just adored for.  I look at pictures of her before she was sick and I long for that child.  It is weird because I feel like I have had to grieve my child more than once.  When I was pregnant with Taylor, I envisionsed this beautiful child that would grow up and do ballet and all those girly girl kinds of things.  When she was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, I had to greive that "perfect" child I had envisioned.  I, of course, was blessed with a more beautiful child than I could have ever imagined.  She was perfect to me, and I loved her.  Then, when taylor got diagnosed with cancer I lost the child she was before.  She could not longer walk nor dance around like she used to.  She would go days or even weeks barely saying a word.  She was so sick from the chemo that she sometimes could not get out of bed for days.  I greive the loss of that child.  Oh how I miss that child.  While she rarely complained and tried to keep that beautiful dimpled smile.  She just was not the same when the cancer and chemo ravished her little body.  There were small glimpses of that child during treatment, but there was a lot of pain and suffering endured by her and it showed in her personality.  After the chemo was done, there was a glimpse of who she used to be right before the cancer took over her little body for good.  And then she was gone.  So, at times I feel like I am greiving two children.  Strange, huh?!?!?  I miss that little girl that she was before the cancer.  I also miss the little girl she became because of the cancer.  She still was sweet, kind and loving...only she was a bit spunky after the cancer. 

I often go up to the room where I keep her things, and I am saddened by the sight of her things.  It all that is left of her here on earth.   Sure there are memories and love, but sometimes I guess we humans need things that are tangible to feel close to someone.  Sometimes the memories just aren't enough.  The memories make me feel empty and lonely for her.  Eight years with her was not enough for me.  I feel very blessed to have had those eight years with her.  My life was truly changed and improved beyond belief by her.  She changed me as a person and made me a better person.  I only wish I could have had her longer, but God had other plans.  I will never understand I know, but I do pray that some kind of peace comes that allows me to find away to help other children with cancer so that I may honor her.

Denise

CANCER SUCKS