Well, the dreaded anniversary is here again.  Since Taylor got sick, there have been a lot of anniversaries that I dread.  I dread the diagnosis anniversary and the relapse anniversary and her birthday.  This this anniversary is definitely the worse one.  In about 10 hours or so will be the third anniversary of Taylor's death.  Looking back over the last three years without Taylor, i often wonder if I have gotten any better since her death.  The answer is not really.  I mean sure I am more functional and better able to handle (and hide) my grief.  There are days that I actually do not cry because I miss her so much.  However, i have figured out that it has not gotten easier to deal with her death, i just have found ways to make it look like its easier--like I am doing better.  I know that I definitely miss her more now than I ever did.  The longer I go without her, the more I realize the magnitude of the loss.  This is a child that was my soul mate.  I never loved anyone or anything that much in my life nor will I ever again.  I always felt like I was meant to be her mother.  Her personality meshed so well with mine, and most days I would rather be with her than anyone else in this world.  She made me smile and laugh so hard.  She was really funny and entertaining, but at the same time she was so gentle and wise beyond her years.  She had the sweetest disposition, but she could be spunky and sassy at times.  After she got sick, that spunk really came out.  It was both heartbreaking and precious to see.  That child was with me all the time.  We hung out and laughed.  We watched Full House and Punky Brewster til all hours of the night.  She was a girly girl that was into pink, Princesses, tiaras, mermaids, matchy matchy clothes, beautiful dresses, hair bows.  I loved that about her and miss it so much. 

I still remember after throwing up a million times, she would say " I can't take it anymore."  It was so heartbreaking to hear my precious child say that.  All I could do was hold her and tell her that I was so sorry.  There were alot of days and nights that I would do that.  Sometimes she felt so bad, she would not say a word for days and days.  I hated watching her suffer.  I would just hold her because thats all I could do.  I could not make it better for her regardless of how much I wanted to.  I guess I should be glad that she is no longer suffering, but I just do not think like that.  I am angry that she ever had to be sick and suffer.  I am angry that my child had to experience cancer instead of childhood.  I am angry that she died.  I am angry that I did not get more time with my child.

I can't sleep tonight.  It is weird how the mind works.  I looked a the clock while lying in bed and realized it was 12:06 AM.  Immediately I realized that it was now October 15th--the day she died.  My mind automatically goes back three years remembering where I was at that exact moment.  I torture myself with thoughts of that horrible room in ICU on the third floor at Texas Children's Hospital.  There is nothing more horrible than sitting around waiting for your child to die.  Your thoughts are racing.  You are trying to get a grasp on what is going on, but you are still in such disbelief.  You wonder how you got here.  Just three days earlier, we were fighting after a first round of chemo since relapse.  There was a chance.  Then suddenly, she's dying , and your waiting and watching.  The doctor is telling you that she is not going to make it, but your mind is still saying that there is a chance---that she can't be dying.  You watch people come and go.  They all know she is dying, but you just can't believe it.  You still believe in the miracle.  You hear other people telling her it's okay to let go and be with Jesus, but you don't feel that way.  You want her to fight.  You want her to live.  You want life the way it was before cancer.  As she slips away, your heart feels empty--you feel alone.  Then she is gone and nothing is ever the same.  You never feel like the same person again.
        
I have tried so hard to make some sense of what has happened.  My husband and I are finally doing all the paperwork for the foundation we want to start in memory of Taylor.  However, it is still so hard to find my way.  I want to help others, but how can I when I am still so hurt and angry.  I am angry that my child suffered and died.  I am angry that other children are suffering and dying from this horrific disease known as rhabdomyosarcoma.  I had never heard of rhabdomyosarcoma before May 2004.  Now I am all too familiar with this evil beast.  I want to do something, but I just don't know what.  I can't get past the grief, and its so frustrating.  I want to honor my precious daughter so that she will never be forgotten.  I do not just want to be angry and bitter for the rest of my life.

I hate being alone with my thoughts.  Many nights I cannot sleep, and I lay awake thinking about Taylor, and I feel so alone.  I feel alone without her.  I feel alone in grief.  I feel like everyone's life goes on except mine...  I asked my pastor to pray for me a couple of weeks back.  I asked for peace and comfort regarding Taylor's death.  I asked for direction and that my grief be channeled into something positive to honor Taylor.  Please pray for this too.

Well it's late and I am rambling on and on.  I will close with a bible verse I found on dear sweet Chloe's website (she lost her battle with rhabdo Oct. 9, 2008) Psalm 46 --- "God is our refuge and our strength, and ever-present to help in distress. Thus we do not fear, though earth be shaken and mountains quake to the depths of the sea…..” “God is in its midst; it shall not be shaken “Come and see the works of the Lord, who has done fearsome deeds on earth….” “Be still, and know that I am God” 


PS  I want to close with a poem I found on another site.  This one really touched me.
     
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
Author~Elizabeth Dent 

   

‘The Brave Little Soul’

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, 'Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?'

God paused for a moment and replied, 'Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts.' The little soul was confused. 'What do you mean,' she asked. 'God replied, 'Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.'

The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, 'The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity.'

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, 'I am brave; let me go!! I would love to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!!'

God smiled and said, 'You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.'

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, 'Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.'

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. People checked a website and sent notes of encouragement. People made and brought meals to the family of the suffering. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened.

God was pleased......