This is a picture of the Christmas before Taylor was diagnosed. I miss those times.
I know there were struggles during that time because she had cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder, but they are very hard
to remember. I only remember the many blessings I got from her presence. She had the most beautiful dimpled smile
that was always glowing. I loved that smile. I loved to kiss all over her beautiful face. I loved to hold
her in my lap while she would talk to me. She was a joy to be around. I am so blessed that I was chosen to
be her mother. I feel as if I was born to be her mother. Even though it was 8 very short years, I am so grateful
for the time I was given with an angel right here on earth.
Here is a picture of Taylor's last Christmas. I guess you could say it was a bittersweet
Christmas. Taylor had been sick for 6 months. She had barely spoken a word during those 6 months.
That beautiful smile was still there but not shown nearly as much. She did not feel well. She was sick all the
time and chemo was ravishing her little body. However, at the beginning of December, we began to realize that
there was a cycle to her sickness. We also began to realize that her central line was a problem, so we made plans
to replace it with a port-a-cath. We began to realize there was a combination of medications that could make her feel
better after chemo. She got a new baby sister. Her smile was back. It came more frequently now. My
personal life was a mess, but I was thrilled that my beautiful angel was feeling better. Her scans were clear.
I was feeling positive as I approached the new year. I knew the odds were against her, and somewhere deep inside I feared
this would be her last Christmas. However, I did not let this dampen our spirits. I prayed and hoped for the best.
I knew she was strong. I knew she could fight this evil disease. It was the first holiday of the year
that she was not in the hospital since diagnosis. It was the first time she had not gotten fever and an infection when
she was neutrepenic. It was a joyous Christmas with my angel. It even snowed in Humble, Texas! It was just
a little but enough for Taylor to make a snowball to throw at her brother. It was a special Christmas for my sweet Taylor.
It was a beautiful last Christmas with Taylor. I spent a lot of time with her. Her Aunt Jamie and I even snuck
her off to the zoo to the petting zoo and to see Santa. She has a blast and even petted the animals against doctor's
advice of course. We took 5 kids to the zoo alone at Christmas time (one in a wheel chair, one who could not walk, and
poor Aunt Jamie had a cane). We were quite a site, but we had a blast!
That's a snowball in her hand that she is about to throw
(hence, the mischevious grin!)
Now, I fast forward to Christmas of 2008. Holidays are always hard since Taylor's
death. I don't think it is possible to miss her more on holidays than I do any other day. I think there are
definitely more reminders that she is gone. When I get the decorations out, her stocking is there. I wonder what
should I do with it. Well, this year I could not find it because we moved into our new house in July. So, I was
sad that it was not there. I felt like she was being forgotten, just being packed away. All of her things are
already packed a way in a special room in the attic--a room that noone sees. As I walked down the toy aisle picking
out presents for the kids, I try to avoid the polly pocket aisle. However, I end up there looking at all the new
ones that I know she would enjoy. I want her here for Christmas. I don't even feel like celebrating without
her. I know that I am supposed to celebrate the birth of Christ, but it's so hard. Yet, I continue on.
I do it for my husband. I do it for the chilkdren I have left. I put a smile on my face even though I am
heartbroken inside. I am glad I do this because I find myself actually having a good time and being happy celebrating
Christmas. Weird huh? We had a Christmas celebration here with our family the Saturday after Christmas.
I had fun and actually want do it again. I thought about Taylor a lot, but I still found a way to have joy. It
was a step for me.
I still avoided doing Christmas cards. I just don't want my sweet angel to be
left out, but I don't know how to include her either, so I just don't do it. I did get the pictures
taken though. So, here is one.
Another exciting thing happened this year that I must share. It snowed here in Lumberton, Texas
more than 4 inches! It was not quite on Christmas, but it was on December 11 which was Blake's birthday. He
was thrilled. I could not beleive the size of the snowflakes coming down. I had never seen that where we live
before. It was awesome. I thought of Taylor alot and her last Christmas with snow. It made me think that
she was somehow with me, smiling down on me. I mean real snow twice in four years on the Texas coast. That's
crazy! So I knew she must be with me! I don't feel that very often, so it was really nice.
So as I New Year begins, I reflect on another year without Taylor. I know that I will never
miss her less or that I will never go one single day without thinking about her. I know that I need to do better in
dealing with her death. I need to keep living. I need to learn to deal with my anger and not become
so bitter. I need to use my energy to help other kids and family going through cancer hell. I need to
use that energy to help find ways to bring awareness to childhood cancer, to raise funds for reasearch, and to help find a
cure. That is one of my goals for 2009. I will try to be a better wife and mother, and stop letting grief get
the best of me. I can help keep my angel's memory alive by helping others. Please pray for this in 2009!
"See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of
bitterness springing up causes
trouble, and by it many be defiled" (Hebrews
12:15)
